PMS is when all my insecurities shine through at their brightest. I had a decent morning, but something happened in me this afternoon that dragged me under the surface and gave me another glimpse of Hell.
It's sad to see the person I have become...I along with other outside forces have crippled myself and most sense of hope for the future...I'm afraid of being in the world, but I suffer from cabin fever easily, so I'm pretty much fucked.
I'm scared of men
I'm scared of walking by myself
I'm scared of being hurt by someone I love
I'm scared of never being loved
I'm scared of being a failure
I'm scared of never being able to be my true self
I'm scared of not being able to express my creativity
I'm scared of not being accepted
I'm scared of upsetting people
I'm scared of not knowing the truth
I'm scared of being really sick and not having anyone there if I need help
I'm scared of hurting myself physically again
I'm scared of being alone
These thoughts swirl threw my mind every day. Some days, I can forget about everything and just be. Like yesterday, I went out and did things pretty much all day by myself. But then today everything felt like everything I worked on yesterday fell apart. I bought a pack of cigarettes and had a beer and started cleaning compulsively. I do any of these three things compulsively if I'm upset, usually one thing at a time though. Not all fucking three things at once...
I'm not sure what to write right now...I'm just going to bed...
Good night.
18 March 2010
11 March 2010
first real blog
my first real blog.
it's always been hard to talk to people about things i feel or think about, but it's always been easier to do it via email, chat, etc. so i'll give this blogging thing a go. i think it's easier for me because i don't feel eyes on me or have to worry about dealing with people's reactions face to face. i also don't like the way i talk and the sound of my voice, so that could also be a part of it ^_^.
but anyways, more posts to come. and more things to find out about me ;D
it's always been hard to talk to people about things i feel or think about, but it's always been easier to do it via email, chat, etc. so i'll give this blogging thing a go. i think it's easier for me because i don't feel eyes on me or have to worry about dealing with people's reactions face to face. i also don't like the way i talk and the sound of my voice, so that could also be a part of it ^_^.
but anyways, more posts to come. and more things to find out about me ;D
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